


What is a God to a Nonbeliever

by keyboardclicks



Category: Baccano!
Genre: Angst, Death, Delusions, F/M, but everybody who already knows him p much just keep calling him Claire, for any confused, in the light novels Claire changes his name to Felix Walken, mentioned Huey Laforet, mentioned Nice Holystone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-20
Updated: 2014-05-20
Packaged: 2018-01-25 21:12:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1662611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keyboardclicks/pseuds/keyboardclicks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Claire Stanfield believes himself to be a God, but when his world suddenly falls out from beneath him he becomes as desperate as any man.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What is a God to a Nonbeliever

It wasn't happening.

It _couldn't_ be happening.

He wouldn't _let it_ be happening.

“She's dying, Mr. Walken,” the nurse had said. “She doesn't have much time left.”

But that was impossible; she couldn't die, and especially not from something as stupid as this! Chane, his strong, silent partner, could not die from something as simple as a disease!

Felix didn't believe it; he just didn't. This was his world, something of his own creation where he made the rules, and one of those rules was that Chane was not allowed to die, no matter what. She was an assassin, and never once had she been severely hurt, because she was skilled, and even if she wasn't skilled he wouldn't have allowed it. So he definitely wouldn't allow her to be struck down by god damn polio! How would she even get polio, anyway?!

He sat at her bedside, where she lay so very still, as if afraid to move; even breathing looked difficult, and painful. The way she looked at him was like a frightened child begging for the comfort of their parent.

“They keep saying that you're dyin', Chane,” he said, holding her hand in both of his, “you believe that? They say you're dyin'... don't they know I won't let you die? You aren't allowed to die; you know that! You aren't allowed.. to die...”

All she could do was look at him, jaw quivering slightly. There were so many things she wanted to say to him, but the disease had taken away the use of her writing hand, and it was too difficult to try and use her other. The way he was looking at her said that he really and truly did not believe that she was dying, and she expected that. Felix made the rules in this world, or at least he thought he did, and whenever things went against those rules, he simply ignored them. Chane had never found a problem with this; in fact she liked it about him. But now... it was painful.

“C'mon, le't go, huh? We came here to visit Firo and everyone again... you're not gonna make them spend all this time cooped up in the hospital, right?” He laughed a little, but Chane's eyes only turned more downcast in response. Felix felt a knot form in his throat, but he pushed it down. This was stupid; why was he getting so emotional over something that couldn't be happening?

Chane squeezed her eyes shut; Felix looked like he was going to cry and she didn't want to see that. Felix had never cried, not once in the years that she'd known him.

_Please forgive me, Claire, for tearing down your dream. I didn't mean to, I promise. I always wanted you to believe that you were God. I always wanted you to live in that happy fantasy, because you lived so well that it may as well have been true. But things don't always work out like that, and this is one of the times that they don't._

_...I am tired of being in this hospital. I can feel myself dying; it's getting harder to stay awake; the nurses told me a while ago that it would happen when my lungs started to become paralyzed. I can't breath like I need to, and they can't stop it..._

_Felix I'm scared, scared like I have never been before. It hurts, and I want to cry, but I do not want you to see me cry. Please forgive me. Please tell our friends I say goodbye. Please tell them that I am glad for what they all did for me... Please..._

She wanted to say all of these things, tell him every word and have him understand... but it was impossible. There was nothing she could say to him anymore, and for the first time since it had been taken from her Chane wished again for her voice. She wanted to tell  this man how much she loved him, how wonderful he had made her life. Barely a thought was spared for her father in these moments; he would be informed of her death, and perhaps he would be sad, but Chane had learned that nobody would love her like Claire did, and nobody would mourn for her like he would.

There were black spots in her vision; she knew that soon she would pass out, never to wake up again. She tried to squeeze Felix's hand, but with no result. Against her own will tears began to fall from her eyes, down her cheeks as her chest began to heave for what little breath it could get. Felix looked at her, confused and lost.

“Chane..? You're cryin'? This damn hospital's getting' to you... we need to get out of here as soon as they let us.” Again, he laughed. Again, he felt the knot in his throat. This time, however, he could not get rid of it.

_I'm so afraid._

Holding his gaze as best she could, Chane tried to mouth some things to him, tried to tell him all that he needed to know in the little time she had to get it out. Felix tried his best to read her lips, but couldn't make much sense of it.

“I... I don't now what you're tryin' to tell me, Chane. Once you feel better we'll get outa here and you can write it down, okay?”  It was so odd... normally he could understand her deepest thoughts just with a glance, but her stare seemed so empty.

More tears fell, and the black spots filled more of her vision every second until she closed her eyes again completely. _I love you_ she tried to say. _I love you, Claire. I love you and I'm sorry. I love you, I love you..._

Felix still held Chane’s hand when she fell asleep. He didn’t understand why she was tired after only laying in that bed for the past few days, but he didn’t really question it. Using a tissue he wiped the tears from her cheeks, knowing she would hate to wake up like that.

A little while later some nurses and a doctor came in again, all looking very sad.

“I guess she was tired because she fell asleep about fifteen minutes ago,” he explained to them. “I kinda hope she wakes up soon; I'm tired of being here.”

All of them looked at him with an odd expression, as if he had begun speaking a different language.

“Mr. Walken,” the doctor said gently, “Chane has just... died. I suspect she passed out due to the lack of oxygen she was receiving as her lungs failed, but now she has passed away.”

Felix laughed. “I don't think you understand, doctor; Chane can't die. She isn't allowed, you see. I make the rules of this world, and so my beloved Chane isn't allowed to die. She isn't dead, doctor, just sleeping.”

The nurses and doctor gave him that weird look again.

“Mr. Walken,” one of the nurses said, “I understand that this is a hard fact to swallow; I can tell that you loved her very much, but the fact is that she has just passed away, and denying it-”

“I'm not denying anything; I'm telling you that you're wrong!” He stood up violently, yelling so that the nurse's cringed and stepped backwards. Turning back towards Chane's bed, he held her by the shoulders and began to shake her. “Chane, wake up we've gotta get out of here. These guys don't know what they're talking about.”

There was no response.

“Chane, c'mon get up! You've never been a heavy sleeper what's with it now? Wake up! Wake up, Chane!” The knot in his throat was still there, and Felix felt himself trying desperately to swallow it back. His vision began to cloud as he shook her more violently, screaming at this point. “Chane you need to wake up! C'mon!”

He felt a hand on his shoulder, pulling him away from her. “Mr. Walken! Chane is dead, she isn't going to wake up!”

He thrust his elbow back into the doctor, pushing him away. “Shut up! She isn't dead! She can't be!” The words didn't come out like he intended them; instead of harsh and loud they were muffled by a sob that Felix tried to desperately to push back. He tried again, screaming at the doctor and nurses to stay away, to be quiet, that Chane was just asleep.

But he knew that he was wrong; he knew that Chane was dead.

He stopped a moment, breaths heavy as he closed his eyes. There was a sinking feeling in his stomach, and he felt like he was going to throw up. Around him the world seemed to be collapsing, shattering into pieces as small as dust. It didn't seem real; it felt like a dream, like a horrible nightmare-

That was it; that _had_ to be it. This was just a nightmare.

“I need to wake up,” he said under his breath. “That's it, I just need to wake up. I'll wake up and it'll all be back to normal, just like I always said. I must have fallen asleep on the train or something is all...”

After being so still, the doctors did not expect the young man to run from the room into the hall, and so he was gone before any of them could react. Felix ran as quickly as he could to the room where his friends had been told to wait. There was Firo and Ennis, and Luck had come with them, too. Jacuzzi and Nice had been waiting around for a while, though they were more Chane's friends than his. They all looked up at him when he opened the door, and Firo stood up from where he had been sitting.

“You okay, buddy? How's Chane?”

Felix ran to his friend, gabbing him by the shoulders. “Firo, kill me! I need you to kill me!”

Firo blinked, surprised, but more confused than anything. “Wha-?”

“Kill me! Shoot me or something! I know you've got a gun on you, or at least a knife right?” He looked over at Luck, who was still sitting down. “Or you; you must have something! Go on, shoot me! Right in the heart, or the head or something!” When he got no response, he looked over to Nice and Jacuzzi. “Or one of you! You like explosions, right? Blow me up! I don't care how just do it!”

“Claire what're you talking about?” Firo finally spoke up. “Why are you asking-”

“Because if I die then I'll wake up!” he shouted, as if this were obvious. “If I die I'll just wake up and find out it was a dream and Chane won't be dead because Chane can't die-!”

The room was silent.

“Chane's d-dead?” Jacuzzi's voice trembled at the word, and Felix heard him begin to sob.

“Yeah, but she's not really because this is a dream!” He looked around at all of them again. “So one of you needs to kill me so I can wake up! Please!”

Again nobody spoke, but Jacuzzi's crying kept the room from silence.

“Claire...” Firo was still getting used to calling him that. “None of us are gonna kill you; you can't just ask us to do that.”

“Besides, killing you wouldn't do any good,” Ennis added, confused by the behavior of Firo's friend. She had met him a couple of times before and yes he seemed a bit eccentric as Firo had described, but not on this level. “This is not a dream; you will not just wake up.”

The distressed man groaned. “None of you get it! None of you understand!” He let go of Firo and suddenly lunged at Luck. “Fine I'll do it myself! Gimme a fucking gun!”

Even taken by surprise Luck pushed him off, but when Felix only came at him again the two of them began to fight. “Get off me, crazy bastard!” Luck yelled, doing his best to keep Felix away from the pistol he hid inside his jacket. Firo and Ennis grabbed him by the arms, trying to pull him off, but he fought hard.

“Lemme go I need the damn gun! I need to wake up!” He continued to fight against his friends as they pulled at him. “Dammit, lemme go! I need to wake up! I need to wake up!”

He yelled again and again and again, as if repetition would make it true. He could hear someone sobbing, and in the back of his mind he knew that it wasn't just Jacuzzi.

“I need to wake up! I need to wake up! Just kill me so I can wake up!”


End file.
